Bereavement

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Dealing With Loss

Dealing with loss

Following the difficult times that we have been going through over the past few months, it comes as no surprise that many are dealing with much loss and bereavement. Unfortunately, many of us have lost close friends and loved ones. Losing someone we love is something that is heart-wrenching and something that is extremely difficult to learn to live with; we feel as though something, more specifically someone, was stolen from our lives. This is even worse with Covid-19 as it has taken over many aspects of our lives. We feel as though we will never be able to get over the loss of this person and that’s isn’t what grief is, it’s about adjusting to your life without them there. Bereavement is one of the most difficult things any person may have to go through in their lives, and so I wrote this article to guide you through it if it is indeed something you may be currently struggling with. Loss is can also about your role too so if your are a mum/dad/daughter/son to the person that has passed away, and so forth these are the roles also and if they are no longer with us we can lose our sense of self too.

What Is Bereavement?

Bereavement refers to the emotional feeling after someone’s death that usually lasts for several days, weeks, months or sometimes years. It is normal to undergo a number of emotions, such as sadness, anger, loneliness and worry during bereavement, as there is no right or wrong way to  feel, the process is not linear and can feel much like a rollercoaster at time. Allow yourself the space to take it easy, allow yourself to cry. The reason we grieve is because we love and as painful as it is, I feel this is the price we pay for loving someone.

Reaching Out for Help

If you are having trouble dealing with the grief period, you can always ask for support from loved ones or friends. If you cannot trust yourself to speak to your community, it can always help to go see a therapist to get some relief and to speak about your loss with someone who is impartial. In any case, you should try not to let grief dictate your actions or make you do things you would not usually, such as turning to self-destructive patterns such as drinking heavily or using drugs. Grief counselling can be very helpful in managing your grief period and can keep you on the right path and to help you move forward even in the hardest time of your life.

The Stages of Grief

The five stages of grief according to Dr Elizabeth Kulber Ross there are denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It can take time to move through these stages and as I know all too well it’s not always in that order, also you may jump back and forth through them too. In the denial phase, you do not want to accept that the loss has happened. In the anger stage, you may feel anger towards the dying or deceased person/the situation for example Covid-19. As peculiar as this may sound, this stage is because you resent the other due to how they make you feel, and you are angry at them for hurting you in this way. In the bargaining stage, you start thinking about the “if only” statements, such as “if only I had done … differently” and in my personal view is we always regret things when we lose someone. We can be the most amazing husband/daughter/son/aunt and so forth but we will always feel there was something that we could or should have done….. That’s love. In the depression stage, we are saddened by the loss as we begin to realise what has happened. Finally, the acceptance stage is the one where you begin to accept the loss, and this is where you can really begin to move forward.

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Disenfranchised Bereavement: What it Is and Coping With It

Disenfranchised Bereavement: What it Is and Coping With It

Dealing with grief is an unfortunate reality for many individuals. In fact, due to the nature of the current pandemic we are going through, many more are going through periods of bereavement. Although everyone grieves at one point or another, not everyone grieves equally regardless if they are going through a similar situation. The intensity and duration of your grief will depend on the depth of the loss you are dealing with, as well as the extent of your understanding of that loss. Often, the process of grieving involves denial and deflection, whereby you initially try to convince yourself that the loss hasn’t happened. In doing so, you are not really grieving, but are rather managing the symptoms of your grief. This, however, is something that I touched on in last week’s article. This week, we will be looking at what disenfranchised bereavement is.  

What is disenfranchised bereavement?

When it comes to bereavement, the loss that we are grieving is usually enough to make us feel as though we are alone. As such, dealing with a lack of belief, or dealing with a loss that isn’t valid in society or isn’t respected by others can feel even worse. This kind of grief is one that “goes unacknowledged or unvalidated by social norms”. This is a tough situation to deal with because of the fact that the emotions we feel in regard to the loss are not respected, validated, or even acknowledged. For example, some types of disenfranchised bereavement causes could include the “loss of a pet, perinatal losses, elective abortions, loss of a body part, loss of a personality from dementia, and loss of a loved one who is not “blood related”. Such losses are not inherently personal as they do not affect someone that we know directly, but they still trigger strong feelings of having lost something dear to us. 

Disenfranchised Bereavement in the Times of Covid-19

The unfortunate reality of this pandemic is that many have lost someone dear to them, whether they were close to them or not. For example, perhaps you lost one of your closest friends or someone in your family has lost their loved one and this has had effects on you. Loss is not something that should have to be validated or acknowledged; if you feel like you are grieving or you feel as though you have suffered a serious loss, that is a valid feeling and you should not feel the pressure of anyone’s disapproval. Your grief is real and valid, whether others acknowledge it or not. 

Another side effect of Covid-19 on disenfranchised bereavement is that other losses are not taken seriously. As this is a very traumatic event occurring for many (i.e., the pandemic leading to lives lost), it may feel as though your personal feelings of grief are nowhere near as important as those who have dealt with the loss of a loved one. Nonetheless, even though this pandemic may feel as though it is all-encompassing and affects all aspects of your life, it does not mean that other kinds of grief do not exist anymore. If you have lost a child due to a miscarriage, you are still allowed to grieve. If you have lost a pet, it is not selfish to be sad about it. You are entitled to emotions as love is love no matter who or what it’s aimed towards.

Coping with Disenfranchised Bereavement

Grief after a loss can occur for different reasons. Some people grieve for lost loved ones, some because of past abuses or traumas, while others grieve for the loss of their homes. Other causes of grief following a loss include financial losses (loss of income or inheritance), job losses, health losses (decrease in health or injury), personal losses (death of a close friend or relative) and other life transitions (emigration, changing careers). Whatever the cause of loss, the effects of the grief can be devastating to the individuals who have experienced them. Many people find themselves unable to function normally in society, and may even lose their jobs or flee to escape the problems while feeling depressed or overwhelmed. As such, it is incredibly important to reach out for help when you feel like you are unable to cope; this can be in the form of asking help from your friends and family or from a therapist. The more you talk about it and acknowledge that your pain is real and tell others about your pain and bereavement, the more relief you may feel. Remember we grieve because we love, its not about “getting over” the grief it’s about working around it. Just because someone or something you love has gone doesnt make your love dissipate if anything I feel it grows.

Do you feel like you need some help and support? Reach out today for some support.